I don’t even know where to begin.
It’s been years since you’ve been gone, and some days it still doesn’t feel real. There are moments when I find myself wanting to call you, tell you about my day, or hear your voice, and then I’m reminded all over again that I can’t. You were my dad, but more than that, you were my best friend.
A lot has happened since 2021.
I graduated again, Dad. Another degree. Sometimes I wish I could see your face when I tell you that because I know you’d be proud of me. I worked hard for it. There were days I wanted to quit, days I was exhausted, days I questioned whether I could keep going, but I did it.
My business is growing too. Kay Mckoy Artistry is becoming everything I dreamed it could be. I’m finally selling my artwork, something I’ve wanted to do for so long. People are buying pieces that came from my heart, and that’s still hard for me to believe. Every event, every painting, every opportunity feels like another step toward the life I’m trying to build.
I’m also working on growing my career. I’m pushing myself, continuing my education, and chasing goals that sometimes feel impossible. I want to make you proud. Truthfully, I think a lot of what I do is driven by wanting you to see what I’ve become.
For years after you died, there was so much hurt, anger, confusion, and distance between me and everybody else and it STILL is … Losing you changed everything. It changed our family. It changed me. The truth is, Dad, I’ve spent a lot of time staying busy.
I work.
I study.
I build my business.
I set new goals.
And if I’m being honest, I think part of me does it so I don’t have to sit still long enough to feel how much I miss you.
I don’t think I’ve fully processed losing you. Sometimes I wonder if I’m afraid that if I let myself really feel it, I won’t be able to put myself back together.
And there’s something else I’ve never really said out loud.
….I don’t feel you.
People talk about signs. They talk about dreams, butterflies, songs on the radio, feeling their loved one’s presence. I hear those stories and wonder why I don’t get that. I keep waiting for a sign that you’re okay, that you’re still with me somehow, but most of the time I just feel silence.
I don’t know if you’re with me. I don’t know if you’ve tried to send me signs that I’ve missed. I don’t know how any of that works. What I do know is that I miss you.
I miss your laugh.
I miss your advice.
I miss talking to you.
I miss knowing that you’re only a phone call away.
There are so many moments I wish you were here for.
My graduations.
My business milestones.
The person I’ve become.
I wish I could sit across from you and tell you everything. I hope somehow, somewhere, you know that I’m trying.
I’m trying to build a life that would make you proud.
I’m trying to heal. I’m trying to keep moving forward even when carrying this grief feels heavy.
And no matter how many years pass, I will always love you.
Love always,
Kalea❤️